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Sunday, 18 October 2009

Falling Back In

It's well into October now and its been a long damn month as far as finances go. This month started on a Thursday so the third Wednesday comes a week later than usual. We've been struggling to make it to then. Which is this coming Wednesday.

Since my last post we did make it to my Uncle's memorial. It was a very painful experience but had some very good experience come from it. It was able to really connect with my cousin for the first time ever. Which I had always wanted but never had been able to do. I think mostly because there was such a large age gap between him and I. I was a teenager when he was born. Anyway, as heart wrenching as the whole gathering of my Uncle's people, with the huge gap of my uncle, the entertainer missing from the crowd; was; in the end the closeness I obtained with my cousin was priceless. So there's always an upside, right?

As for my motivation for finally writing this post; its about my never ending battle with depression. Today's ammunition is simple. I'm just so frigging sick of being depressed. I'm not otherwise well armed today. I feel lousy. Pain levels went high last night and I feel nauseous and sick today on top of the impending rainstorm arthritis pain wracking my body today from neck to fingers and toes. But mentally, I'm just sick and frigging tired of being devastatingly depressed all the time so I'm just not going to be depressed today.

Yeah, I've got a million reasons for being depressed. The big ones, flat broke, behind on dozens of bills, future doesn't look any better, in pain, sick, lonely, winter coming, no medical insurance until medicare kicks in April and that's just going to cost me money I can't afford. But screw it. One thing I can be, is NOT depressed. I don't HAVE to be depressed.

Even though I know its a genetic, physical thing that runs in my family and not just something I can easily snap out of, I can fight it. I can't always find something to blame it on, but I can fight it. The key is to stop looking for the cause and remember I'm fighting the big "D". Not whatever caused it. It's not my life that's the problem. It's "DEPRESSION" that's the problem. There is a very definite difference there and its essential to remember who the enemy is. It's so easy to get sidetracked. When you do, its very devastating.

It's like my immune system that attacks itself. When you start blaming your life instead of the bit "D" you are attacking yourself instead of the real enemy. You have to remember to fight the depression, not your life. Depression is the enemy, not your life, your relationships, your job, your family, etc.

Sunday, 06 September 2009

Brain Freeze

Been neglecting the blogs again. I suppose its been a bit of a writer's block lately. There has been so much going on that I have been struggling with getting things on track and figuring out where to go from here that writing focus was out of the question.

When I write I always sort of feel like I am sharing something, some sort of wisdom or position and when I'm lost its difficult to figure out what it is I have to share. I stare blankly and can't figure out what to write. Or whatever I write comes out whiny and negative.

Ok so little by little I'm getting a grip on things again and revising the plan to move forward. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and hope for survival.

Of course more hurdles and things to deal with keep coming. My uncle passed away this week. So we are now planning a trip for a visit I'd wanted to make all summer and never could for financial reasons and now regrettably its a 'too late' trip.

Time just gets away from us so fast. We always think we have more time but it goes so fast. Clocks and calendars are evil. They just whip past and before we know it people are gone from our lives. We have to realize just how long it has really been and we are shocked, saddened, and left wondering how that happened.

However, cherished memories and hoping he is at peace because life was troubled for him is not all bad either. He wasn't a very family oriented person so perhaps the infrequent visits were just the way it was supposed to be.
Been neglecting the blogs again. I suppose its been a bit of a writer's block lately. There has been so much going on that I have been struggling with getting things on track and figuring out where to go from here that writing focus was out of the question.

When I write I always sort of feel like I am sharing something, some sort of wisdom or position and when I'm lost its difficult to figure out what it is I have to share. I stare blankly and can't figure out what to write. Or whatever I write comes out whiny and negative.

Ok so little by little I'm getting a grip on things again and revising the plan to move forward. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and hope for survival.

Of course more hurdles and things to deal with keep coming. My uncle passed away this week. So we are now planning a trip for a visit I'd wanted to make all summer and never could for financial reasons and now regrettably its a 'too late' trip.

Time just gets away from us so fast. We always think we have more time but it goes so fast. Clocks and calendars are evil. They just whip past and before we know it people are gone from our lives. We have to realize just how long it has really been and we are shocked, saddened, and left wondering how that happened.

However, cherished memories and hoping he is at peace because life was troubled for him is not all bad either. He wasn't a very family oriented person so perhaps the infrequent visits were just the way it was supposed to be.

Friday, 21 August 2009

Dust Settling

I suppose we all find ways to survive all the hurdles we are thrown. No matter how much more difficult it becomes we try to figure it out. Even if our load gets heavier and our outlook bleaker, we persevere. We 'suck it up' and continue on; trying to keep convincing ourselves we are alright and happiness is all around us.

We clench our muscles and grit our teeth and wait for the onslaught of the next challenge that is hurled upon ongoing and growing load. Surely nothing ever seems to come off the load, just more things seem to add onto it, making it larger and heavier.

As if the load itself isn't always more and more challenging; then we are also barraged with being negative or having a bad attitude. While it is not an incorrect perspective but a very accurately mathematical calculation of increasing proportions of crap in ones life that makes the load harder to bear.

It is this absolute reality that contributes to the obsession of people dreaming of easy fixes, fantasy paradise vacations, winning lotteries, and perhaps so many resorting to simply numbing the realities of life away.

Reality is bleak and the outlook can be so very grim. It is so very hard to 'suck it up' and keep going. Those of us that keep doing so; well some of us aren't even sure how or why we still do. I guess the alternative is still more frightening.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Screwed!!

Not at all a good day. It seems no matter what I do or how hard I try to get a handle on things or "do the right thing" I always, invariably, get screwed. You know, the old Murphy's Law thing just isn't funny anymore. I'm am so frigging sick of it ALWAYS going the wrong way for me.

So medicare was supposed to kick in for me in Sept. I've been waiting two long years for it. Choking the damn $500 out of my disability pay for COBRA in the meantime patiently waiting. I mean its hard enough trying to keep my two kids fed each month with their damn father not paying child support and no food stamps (well I shouldn't forget the generous $6 this damn state gives me, right) but I've been squeezing out an extra $500 for COBRA to keep medical insurance.

Of course the banks rip me off every month because I don't have enough extra cash in there to keep them from inventing some excuse to throw my account in the negative and charge me overdraft charges for two weeks of the month; so there goes another $100 to $200 per month out of my disability each month. AT LEAST.

Let's not forget what the insurance doesn't pay for my medications and medical bills. Or the first year that disability didn't kick in that nothing got paid that I'm still trying to catch up on and all the bill collectors that are still hounding me and treating me like a criminal because I had the audacity to get sick in the first place. I was worse than an addict or bank robber; I just got sick and couldn't work!!

Oh and let me add that the Long Term Disability benefits I paid for my entire working career (that's 30 years) to guarantee me 60% of my six figure salary in case I ever got sick, that refused to pay premiums because that's what they do; and I'm still waiting on a lawsuit for; so that's why I'm in this financial mess in the first place. The federal government approved me disabled on the first try but the insurance company denied it and two years later the lawsuit is still pending.

Now, if all that wasn't enough; without notifying me; the OBAMA administration decided a nifty way to save some medicare dollars would be to postpone medicare from the day of eligibility to the day of benefit payments; which is a six month gap. So this brilliant idea will save medicare a few bucks by delaying starting some new recipients by six months. This puts a gap between COBRA benefits running out and Medicare kicking in. So I now have no health coverage at all.

So here I sit, with 15 prescription bottles across my bed; no more COBRA coverage because it ran out July 31st; and only 3 of them are on Walmart's handy $4 prescription list. I know right off that at least one is over $500 for a month's supply and another is $250. The rest I'm afraid to even ask. It's just not going to happen. I still have children at home to feed.

THANKS OBAMA. It's really clear now how much you REALLY care about people and their health care. I have seven chronic diseases, have been on disability for two years, take fifteen daily medications (chemo a familiar term to you?) and five other intermittent ones; and there is no way I can now take care of myself for the next six months.

Plus get this; without my medicine; I will get SICKER. So where do you think I will wind up then? Who is going to pay for that???

Who are you saving money then? Did anyone think this through?

What is being fixed again?

Saturday, 08 August 2009

Where I Think I'm Going From Here

I'm sure it says somewhere how long I've had this blog site, but I don't know where that is right off. I think its a couple years at least.

Here's the deal. I have way too damn many blogs and they all have had all these different directions or formats I've tried to give each one and I've bogged (not blogged) myself down too much to keep up with them all.

So here's the deal. I like Xanga. PurplePassionate is rather apropos because well Purple is just my thing and Passionate is what I am going to blog about here. Whatever it is I'm passionate about at the time.

So be wary. Sometimes weary too. There will be a range. Sometimes I'm going to whine about being broke because I'm on disability instead of making six figures anymore and I can't seem to to make the monthly stipend last the month and the kids want more milk or need money for another field trip on short notice. Other times I'm going to be frustrated about having writer's block. Still other times its going to be the physical pain of my chronic diseases that keep me from being able to earn that six figures anymore or that its just keeping me awake for the fourth night in a row. Still other topics may range from basic depression to the insensitivities of people to my annoyance at the banking industry.

It won't always be negatives though. I like to brag about my kids, my pets, my projects, love where I live, talk about Lake Tahoe, The Beach, Los Angeles, toss out random ideas, my writing projects, share wishes, dreams, etc.

Mostly, I look for this to be my open forum. I'll say what I think and be pretty straightforward here. It will be opinionated. After all, its a blog. It is not journalism. It's my thoughts and opinions and that's what I'm writing here, MY two cents. I may not always be diplomatic. Take it as such.

I expect people will disagree with me sometimes. That's ok too. I'm ok with that. You can disagree, and you are welcome to comment. Just don't be hateful Please. It's not necessary to be hateful just because you disagree.